Showing posts with label natural. Show all posts
Showing posts with label natural. Show all posts

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Are they natural?

I logged onto my favorite online forum for parents of twins the other day and I couldn't believe what I saw.
On the first page of recent posts, there were three new threads.
One was a lengthy thread of vents from women who were tired of being asking whether their twins were "natural." Another was a poll created by a fellow member asking others whether their twins were conceived naturally or through fertility treatments. The third asked the same question, but not in poll form.
I usually avoid those threads all together.
People have a million reasons for asking that question (They are undergoing fertility treatments, they are concerned about a family history of twins, they are struggling for something to say while their eyes are fixed on our adorable babies, they are just plain curious). But rarely is the reason malicious.
I'm not bothered.
So I don't bother with the threads.
But this situation piqued my interest.
I opened the two threads in which board members posed the question to each other. I expected rants. I expected anger. I expected virtual riots between those who spontaneously conceived and those who underwent fertility treatments.
There were none.
Those who conceived with the help of drugs or IVF told of their struggles, their tears, and their gratitude to have not just one baby, but two. Those who conceived spontaneously told of their shock, their family histories, their glee.
Not even the teeniest bit of irritability.
So I opened the vent thread.
Many of these same women, these women who so cordially and eagerly answered the same question for each other, expressed outrage that anyone--family, friends or strangers--would even dare ask.
All babies are "natural," they argued, even those conceived through fertility.
So, I wonder.
Why is it okay for strangers (because, really, no matter how long you've known someone through an online forum, that person is still a stranger) who might also happen to have twins (How do you even know that other person is who he or she claims to be?) to ask how our twins were conceived on an online forum, when the same question is concerned taboo, rude or unbelievably inconsiderate if asked in person?
My conclusion is that some women just love to get angry and they love to tell others how angry they got. They seek out confrontation where there is none and then they feed off of it for the rest of the day, sometimes the rest of the week.
And this might just be the way some twin moms deal with the stress.
It's a non-issue for these particular women in an online setting. They can answer honestly because they have no desire to destroy the relationship. They need the other moms on the forum. They have an investment in the online "friendships," where they can hide behind usernames, never revealing their real-life selves.
Beside, confrontation is more fun when it's face-to-face.
For the record, not all identicals are spontaneous (depending on our definition of spontaneous). Many sets of higher-order multiples include sets of identical twins. The identical twinning is an indirect result of the treatments (Treatment aid fertilization and implantation, and the eggs just happened to split), but still, chances are that those identical twins would not be here without the help of modern medicine.
So if you ask "the question" of a triplet mom or a quad dad or even parents of octuplets and you get a puzzled look in return, try to be understanding. It's a long story and perhaps they are just wondering whether they have the energy to answer.